5 People I’d Like To Send To The Moon…And Then Blow The Moon Up

Posted: January 15, 2012 in Poop

Have you ever been listening to the radio and the most annoying song ever comes on and you’re all like “arghhhh! How many times do I have to hear this Lady Antebellum song?”  How many times have you been watching TV and that stupid actor that loves to grind your nerves makes an appearance?  What about that atrociously horrible politician you can’t seem to rid yourself of?  I’ve compiled  a list of those select people opting to send them to the moon while then using my invisible megaton laser to blow the lunar ball to hell.

Let’s get to it…

Pink

Seriously, is there one person on Earth that like’s this beotch’s music?  Really, if you like Pink’s music you should probably vacate your living space and die.  Have you ever listened to her music before…like actually listened to it?  It’s a bunch of non-sense.  She went to being this edgy-pop wannabe to being this social outcast speaking for a bullied generation.  How does one do that?  I mean the artist formerly known as Alecia Beth Moore got her start in a R&B girl group.  Imagine TLC but with white chicks with nose rings.  Not a pretty picture.  You could argue that her best song was “Lady Marmalade” in which she collaborated with Mya and Christina Aguilera on.  There you’ve got two beautiful women and then you have P!nk.  Also, who spells their stage name like that?  Non-talent ass hats, that’s who.  She’s going to the moon, oh yes, she’ll be flying the rocket ship.

Here’s that most annoying song I was telling you about:

Mit Romney

A Mormon president?  There could be worse things in life, I guess.  Like, getting your head blown off with a shot gun; having your body pulled apart by a woolly mammoth; being impaled on the Empire State building after jumping out of a plane while on fire; being locked in a room with nothing but P!nk songs blasting.  I digress though.  Mit Romney is a successful business man and he’s also a successful politician but do we really need to be trolled by Romney and every media publication reminding us that he’s a “Mormon missionary”?  Who cares if you went to France to wed one guy to 18 different women…all at the same time.  I don’t, all I care about is my retirement fund, my family’s healthcare, and the Jacksonville Jaguars.  You don’t want me to rank those, you wouldn’t like numbers one and three.  Seriously though I’m so tired of hearing how Romney is a “virtual lock” to beat Barack Obama in November.  Don’t you know who B.O. is?  Don’t you know what he’s done?  Yea, me neither.  I’m voting for Newt!

This video might seriously secure my vote for Mitt….

Kim Kardashian

Is there a more stupid face in all of Hollywood?  Seriously, what the hell has Kim Kardashian ever done?  Let’s recap her life real quick; became one of Hollywood’s “it” girls after her father, Robert Kardashian, successfully got O.J. Simpson acquitted of murder.  She then dated Ray J, in what became the biggest highlight of her “career”, a sex tape was unleashed upon the internet featuring the two.  The video rights were sold to a giant porn production company and Kim quickly sued saying (and I quote), “What?  Me?  Sex tape?  Ewww!  I’m a virgin!”  Serious, truer words were never written.  Her stupidity some how landed her entire family an E! television series Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  In a true sign of the apocalypse, the TV series aired for six…SIX, 6, VI…seasons.  Incredible.  In less shocking news, Kardashian married NBA superstar scrub Kris Humphries in the summer of 2011.  Their marriage lasted for 72 minutes days, and then the two were kaputz.  Such is life of a dumbass.  Oh well.  Off to the moon she goes.  I bet you Kim and Mitt would have the most profound discussions on religion, politics, and life.  Here’s a sample of what I envision their introductory convo would be like:

Mitt: Hello there, my name is Mitt Romney, I was the Governor of Massachusetts.  You must be Khloe.

Kim: Umm, hello, my name is Kim and I’m not fat like my sister.  Haven’t you ever seen my television show?!?

Mitt: Oh, my apologies.  Here let me read you a passage out of the Book of Mormon.  You’ll love the part about having to share your husband with eight other women!

Kim: Excuse me, excuse me, driver?  How many sex tapes do I have to release before someone serves me a martini around here?

Mitt: (incoherent reading in background)

P!nk: Bitch, who you talking to?  I’m P!nk, spelled with an exclamation mark, I’ve had hits with stupid names such as “Don’t Let Me Get Me” and “So What”, surely you’ve heard them before.

Mitt: Has anyone ever been to Salt Lake City?  That place is the shit!

Kim: Do either of you have any cocaine I can use?  I’ll make sure when we get back to Earth my dealer hooks you up two fold!

Mitt: Repent Kim, for you shall only know the truth of the reptile aliens from the Moon!

P!nk: This party sucks.

Tim Tebow

Let me preface this selection by saying that I’m a Tim Tebow fan, I’m not a fan of the Denver Broncos nor am I a fan of all the ridiculous media attention the guy or his religion bring.  So if you’re going to read this and then tell me how great Mr. Tebow is, my mom had a dog named after the guy.  It was a Shih Tzu.  Exactly. 

Tim Tebow has always been a good football player never a great quarterback.  From his final high school football game at Nease High School in Ponte Vedra Beach, where I watched him beat Pace High School (poor poor DMarsh), to his four year stint at the University of Florida where he’ll go down as perhaps the greatest college football player in NCAA history.  The guy was the ultimate football player on and off the field.  Everything changed however when discussions turned to my Jacksonville Jaguars and how they should draft the “hometown hero” with their 10th overall selection in the NFL draft that year.  That turned into the day I learned to despise Tebow-mania.  From that day to this one I have had to listen to people, who claim to be Jaguars fans, cheer for the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow.  There is never anything wrong with wishing a player on a different team than the one you claim as you own to do well.  There is a problem I have with people supporting a team 15oo miles away from the city you live in when there is already an NFL team in your own backyard.  Literally.  Whatever though.  Rant over.  Tebow and Romney can lead the prayer group for the 36 hour flight to the moon.  P!nk’s not invited though.

Real talk in this video:

Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber

Wait!  I didn’t know Selena Gomez was a lesbian?  What’s that you say?  That’s Justin Bieber in that photo above?  No wai! For a minute I thought Selena Gomez was taking a picture with Hilary Swank on the red carpet for the Boys Don’t Cry premiere, then I remembered that Gomez would have been seven years old when that movie came out.  Let’s face it, Justin Bieber is a tool.  YouTube his videos to see how big of a tool he registers on your tool-meter.  Google “Justin Bieber’s struggle face” and see the results you get.  The guy boy it just won’t go away.  Usually teen pop-stars have this time in their adolescent years where they’re extremely popular but then they hit the crack pipe or heroin needle and that’s all she wrote.  Nope.  Not the Biebs.  He complicates things further by so-called “dating” Selena Gomez, but I don’t buy it.  There’s no way a tool like LaBiebs gets a girl like Gomez.  Even though Gomez has quietly been turning anorexic here lately (see photo below).  My suspicion is that the Biebmez is a farce and Bieber really is an alien from Planet Zurg.

Anyways, Biebs and Gomez are packaged together because no one want’s Justin Bieber’s sloppy seconds.  No one.  Gomez must die to save the planet.  What if they did the “deed” and Gomez is pregnant with the spawn of Bieber?  There can only be NONE!  To the moon they go.

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